Sometimes I have moments of
doubt where I ask myself what if God is not even real? But these thoughts
are pushed aside when I think back to those times where God was obviously
present in my life. During these past couple of weeks, I have felt God’s presence
many times, almost more than usual. Perhaps this is because I have been keeping
my eyes more open for Him. Since I have been a tad down and out since leaving
Cape Town, I have been yearning even more for signs of God’s grace to keep me
going. What a good friend He is—he has sent me many signs that He is with me.
It started last week with a
passage in the Bible. Since finding out that my hip surgery was cancelled, I
have been feeling very hopeless that the problem is going to be fixed. I came
to the realization that we all have our crosses to bear, and that might is
definitely not has bad as other people's crosses. Still, I kept having thoughts of anger. The
other day when I was reading my daily Bible passage, it happened to be one
about Jacob wrestling with God. In the passage, he hurts his hip socket. I was
so shocked when I saw the word hip I
had to reread the sentence to make sure I read it correctly. It was very
comforting to know that someone in the Bible had the same problem that I did,
and that God was there to witness it. It is amazing how a bible passage can
really speak to a situation that you are in. It’s like it was written just for
you.
The next occurrence of God’s
presence was when I was on a walk with my dog. I take great joy in my daily
walks. It is something I started to do in Cape Town, and have since continued.
It is my time to be at peace, pray to God, and listen to worship songs.
Anyways, finances have been on my mind lately. I have been worrying about how I
am supposed to accomplish the things I want to do (things in the distance
future, mind you). Sometimes the burden of finances weighs heavily on me, even
though I am the one putting that stress upon myself. Well, I was walking Izzy
and I all of a sudden found seven dollars lying on the ground. I am one to get
excited about finding a penny on the
ground, so to find seven dollars—that’s 700 pennies! Some may see it that I
just got lucky and found someone’s bills that flew out of their jacket pocket.
I, however, believe that God wanted me to know that I should not worry and that
everything is in His control.
These two events that
occurred (reading the Bible passage and finding seven dollars) may seem small,
but to me it’s the small signs from God that propel more and more into a
relationship with God. Those two graces from God put a smile on my face and
prepared me for the amazing week to come.
I am proud to say that I have
officially been “SHINED.” After many phone calls last summer and this summer
with my friend Emily while she was working at camp, I finally got to see what
all of the excitement was about. SHINE is a Catholic camp for high school students,
which stands for Serving Him In the Needy and Elderly. The crew travels to a new city
in the U.S. each week to host a truly unforgettable experience for people who
are willing to be open to God’s love. SHINE was created and is directed by Dawn
and Augie Leal. They bring three of their children with them—Jai Michael,
Alyssa, and Jordan. I hope one day to have a family has compassionate and holy
as them. I really enjoyed getting to know the Leal family and discovering what
a life of ministry looks like. 
I also enjoyed seeing my
friend, Emily, in her SHINE element. Boy did she shine! Emily as well as the
rest of the staff work extremely hard to make the camp the best it can be. They
stay up until the wee hours of the morning and get up very early. They unload
and load the vehicles with all of their equipment. They make delicious
home-cooked meals (hello jambalaya). They get up on stage each night and are
okay with looking like goofs. They assist with daily mass, adoration,
reconciliation, and prayer time. And the best part is, they do it all with
love. They truly act as servants of Christ, doing all things with extreme
compassion in attempts to show others the face of God. I was honored to be at a camp
that attempts one of the greatest challenges of all—getting others excited
about Christ.
The staff has truly become a
family and they let me be a part of it for a short amount of time. I got to
assist with serving meals (I found my secret calling—drizzling cheese onto
tacos), preparing for mass, shopping at Walmart, dancing on stage, singing the Divine
Mercy Chaplet, unloading the vehicles, and trying to show God’s love whenever
possible. Needless to say, this whole week has been filled with God’s presence
and has included moment after moment of God shaking my shoulders to let me know
that He is there.
Last night, though, a truly
unforgettable experience occurred. Thursday
nights are when Adoration takes place during SHINE. They placed the most
beautiful monstrous I have ever seen in the center of the room, surrounded by
white candles. The next hour that passed by seems almost like a dream because
it was the deepest I have ever been in prayer. I was not aware of what was
happening around me. All I was focusing on was Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament
and I proceeded to have an intense discussion with God. I talked to Him about everything on my heart that was
burdening me. It came pouring out of me at a rapid rate and I felt God’s
presence as He listened to everything I was saying. My knees started hurting
pretty badly from being on the hardwood floor for so long, which reminded me of
how much pain Jesus was in on the cross. I am not a huge crier (besides when I watch
Finding Nemo), but suddenly I had tears streaming down my face and I felt so
overcome with God’s presence, power, and love. I have not physically felt God’s
presence like that in a long time. Being that vulnerable felt so good, so raw, so human. 
I talked to God during that
time about a lot of different areas in my life, but mostly about my call to do
ministry. Sometimes I feel like I am walking alone; like God is the only one
truly understands me. I rely on God so much and have come to see him as a best
friend, as the Ultimate, as the greatest Love imaginable. It scares me
sometimes that I am putting my whole life towards something that no one can
prove for certain. We live in a world that is constantly pushing us away from
God. The latest songs, movies, magazines, etc. are all filled with images and
ideas that pull us farther from the way God wants us to go. Loving God is
supposedly so easy, yet this world makes it so hard sometimes. I wonder how I am supposed to be a minster of Christ?
How do I show people the light of Christ
when they are in darkness? If only
humans could temporarily switch places, and I could have someone who doesn’t
believe in Christ experience what I was feeling last night. Then they would
know. They would know that the piece of bread in the center of the room is not
in fact bread, but is the actual body of Jesus Christ. They would be able to
feel the emotion that overcame me as I was in the presence of Him. They would
understand. If only it were that easy, though. Instead, I have to use my
actions and words to try to explain something that I often myself can barely
comprehend. I think struggling with these thoughts but still keeping the faith
is what this journey of life is all about. It is those moments of weakness,
despair, and sadness, when finding God is like trying to find a lost earring in
the desert, when we have to come face to face with our faith. We get to see if
our faith is strong enough to overcome the sandstorms that life too often
brings. I hope that during the next trial that comes my way, I can look back at
the small gifts of grace God puts in my life, as well as the bigger ones, and
know that I have a God that is greater than anything.
~SHINE~
“In the same way, let your
light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your
Father in heaven.” --Matthew 5:16
